Shadowlessness

Justice Is Lost
Justice Is Raped
Justice Is Gone…

…And no justice for all, because a bunch of petty, raisin-brained dictator-wannabes wanna be dictators. And frak them all.

I’m always a positive person and I always think positive. I firmly believe that today can never be as bad as tomorrow and this year cannot compete with the next in sucking. Therefore, we have every reason to be happy and cherish every moment of our lives.
To misuse the famous lyrics, “Carpe diem, baby!”

We have all tasted that feeling… when you’re alone and you’re cold inside; when the world is frakking you up left and right; when life is just one tortured moment after another; when people you love don’t love you back; when things you want just slip out of your hands; when each breath comes only as an obligation; when you’re full of despair, not just for yourself, but for the human kind and this tiny planet; when blood and fire and war and hate is all that goes around and comes around; when days are dark and nights are stifling; when ice is the only remnant of justice and nothing remains of fair; when happy endings are only in stories like Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet…
The human condition is so full of pain and misery that it’s almost ridiculous that people still hold on to hope.
The interesting feature about everybody’s darkness and despair is that they think it’s their pain and theirs alone and they alone have to bear this unbelievably unbearable burden of excruciation exasperation. Take a good look around you, people! Everybody has problems! Everybody is in pain all the time, except those who are too stupid or too wise to be reigned by it.
Anyways, when you think about it, you realize that there’s nothing special about your pain, and you are just like everyone else. We are all on a Gaussian bell curve of misery and heartache and those out of the 6-sigma domain are far too busy with either joy or misery to notice where they are.
When you think about it, none of us are unique in our sadness and despair. In fact, hardly any of us are unique in any meaningful way, least of all in our thinking. The saddest part of the human existence, the way I see it, is the 500 channels of the same shit on the TV, the loads of crap on the Internet, the tons of dung in the cinema, music and books. It’s mediocrity that is our biggest misery. It’s the 7 billion soulless bodies on this planet, all either trying to feed themselves, or trying to kill each other or (the saddest of them all) trying to look and act like each other.
So don’t be sad you puny worm-food bodies, and don’t be happy. You may think that your burden is the size of a mountain but it’s not. You are just another worthless droplet in this putrid sea of mediocrity. Smoke that in a pipe!

I’ve been rambling on for more than 420 words, and while I’m sure there is a point to be made, I don’t think I’ll be the one to make it tonight.

Despite those titles, power, and pelf,
The wretch, concentred all in self,
Living, shall forfeit fair renown,
And, doubly dying, shall go down
To the vile dust, from whence he sprung,
Unwept, unhonored, and unsung.

That’s Sir Walter Scott. I can’t say I know one end of poetry from the other… well, that’s it. I have no point to make there!

You will not become a better person with the turn of the year. You will not suddenly become more lucky, more handsome or more successful. Your life will not suddenly and magically flip over for the better. Your family will not become the ideal family. Your investments won’t start paying off the moment the year number increments. Your gods won’t like you better just because its a new year and you really really want it. People won’t all of a sudden start liking and respecting you in the Spring. Your significant other will not take an interest in you all anew. The world will not become nirvana, paradise, shangri-la, concordia, hyperboria, utopia, Silicon Valley or whatever other sort of heaven you believe in.

It will be the same shit, only a different day. Get over it already, because statistically, the day after that will yet be worse and the day after that even worse still.

I am sometimes, rarely, full of energy and activity and hope. I want to change the world (small parts of it anyway) and I feel I just might be able to. Most of the time, I do absolutely nothing of any value to anyone, including myself, and I don’t want to. If I were a woman, I could blame my mood swings on menstruation cycles and hormone imbalances. But I’m not, and I can’t.
On the other hand, I can explain my very being (including the said mood swings and irregularities, spikes and valleys in my activities) well enough with one word: laziness. I should probably add that there is a lot of fear hiding behind the laziness as well, but that’s not what I would want to talk about.
However, my laziness should be apparent to anyone who even remotely knows me. You might think that, since I know about the laziness problem, and because I’m honest and courageous enough to admit it to myself and to the world, I’m two steps ahead in the race to resolve it, but you’d be tragically wrong.
This “admission” is merely another subtle and devious ploy by my lazy ass to continue my sloth-like existence. You see, by declaring to the world that I’m a lazy idiot, I’ll have the upper hand in any future moral battle with my conscience (and with other people) and will be able to hide behind this public declaration and say “See? I have a problem and I’m admitting to it. What else do you want from me?! You should have done your research into my personality before you trusted me!” which is a horrible but typical thing to say, for people at my level of laziness.
But this plot will no longer work now, would it?! Now that everyone is in on its every little dirty secret corner, I wouldn’t be able to take refuge in its cozy depths, would I?!
In any case, it’s a terrible situation being trapped in the same person as the worst “laziness” of the world and all the I/O being controlled by that laziness; all the sensors, affectors, everything. Or maybe an even more terrible thing is believing that “you” can never break out of the laziness prison.
Maybe even far more terrible is being lazy and making all kinds of mental excuses, like believing that you can do nothing about it, in order not to actually do anything about it.
Gods, someone put me out of my misery.

(This has nothing to do with BiteFight. This was an old draft of mine which I took off the dusty shelf, in part by means of inspiration from this.)

I am finished doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I’ve created, “something that kills people.” And in that purpose, I was a success. I’ve done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.

Hattori Hanzo
Volume 1, Kill Bill

(He is talking about the amulet hanging from his neck, which is a symbol of war wizards’ primary edict.)

The ruby is meant to represent a drop of blood. It is the symbolic representation of the way of the primary edict.
It means only one thing, and everything: cut. Once committed to fight, cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut.
The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resolutely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don’t allow him a breath. Crush Him. Cut him without mercy to the depths of his spirit.
It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death.

Richard Rahl
Temple of the Winds, The Sword of Truth

Death rides on my shoulder, death walks in my footsteps; I am death…

Lews Therin Telamon
Lord of Chaos, Wheel of Time

Here’s a new idea: listen to Opeth‘s “Watershed” album while walking in heavy, dry and driving snow.
You should give it a try sometime.

That’s my birthday, if you where wondering.
(Just a quick fact: this year, due to incompatibility of Gregorian and Persian leap years, and the relative inaccuracy of the former, my birthday was October 27th.
As a friend mentioned, my 28th birthday was not on the 28th of the month. In fact, as she again noted, the first time my age turned perfect after I knew what it was, I lost my perfect birth day of the month.)
Anyway, last year I found out that my birthday is the same with Bill Gates. This year, I was cursing my bad luck when I stumbled upon the fact that I share this birthday with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Sharing anything with the guy is anything but an honor by default!
Here are some fun facts about my birthday:

1. There are 64 days in a year after October 28th!
2. I have the exact same age (±24 hours) with the Czech football player Milan Baroš. I’ve known this for several years now, but I don’t know how. My best guess is IMDB!
3. John Romero is born on this day. Since we are in the same business (behold the shameless arrogance!) I must include him here. I firmly believe that “id Software” would still be making great games (as opposed to great engines only) if he were still with them. (Incidentally, this is one of the few posters that I’d be willing to hang in my room instead of James Hetfield’s Jolly Roger pose poster.)
4. John Locke died on this day. No, not that John Locke, this John Locke! (Sorry, couldn’t resist a “Lost” reference.)
5. A guy named Landon Curt Noll has this birthday too. I knew him from the IOCCC (he is called chongo over there.) (Warning: if you think you know C, and are not ready for a rude wake up, don’t go there! Here‘s the Wikipedia page for a milder kick) but apparently he is quite a diverse person!
   Also, we used the FNV hash function (co-authored by him) in the “Silent2″ project (maybe 10 people in the entire world know what that is!) without me realizing who he was. Alas, I had to abandon that project, which I regret to this day, since the concept and opportunity were both very unique.
6. A whole bunch of other stuff have happened on this day, some of the most famous of which can be viewed on or accessed through the Wikipedia page.

I woke up yesterday, 7AM. It’s now 9PM and I’ve just come home, and I’m gonna eat something, and I’m gonna go to sleep after 38 hours. That’s a personal record. And I’ve been at work, non-stop for 27 hours.
And you know what, I’m just feeling conventionally tired and I may even try and work on my own programs a bit. I never thought I would be at work 27 hours and be this happy (well, as far as I get happy, which is not much.)
And my work was hard, at least for someone with my limited practical knowledge (or theoretical, for that matter.) I implemented the whole shadow system for our game project Soshiant from the ground up, after several failed attempts at using Ogre‘s shadowing services and several other attempts to figure out the pieces needed to use Ogre’s facilities from other people’s code (nobody seems to have had the problems that we had!) Anyway, me implementing generic shadow-mapping was like a blind man with Parkinson’s trying to fix a deaf and mute man’s teeth: full of screams, blood and gore. But that’s another story for another time.
My pint here is that I was doing something I liked, and that I’m not badly incompetent at, on a project that engaged me, with people that interest me. Therefore, I cannot wait to get more (after I’m rested well enough of course. I’m a lazy slob after all, and nothing can change that.) What I’m saying is that “Give me fuel, give me fire, give that which I desire.”

I’ve been living disconnected from the world. I’ve practically stopped answering my phone, and I’ve been ignoring my (online) life for the most part.
This is because we are making a push to prepare our game, Soshiant (sorry, no link) for a demo which is in about two weeks. What we are hoping to accomplish is close to impossible, and we only have our “hunger and foolishness” to drive us. To be honest, everybody else is driven and determined, and I’m just tagging along for the ride.
What keeps us sustained is mugs of Syros‘s magical Mojo, and a lot of heavy metal. Oh, and let’s not forget tiny steps of accomplishment every now and again.
Right now, I’m just enjoying working towards something magnificent and beautiful. “Good day to be alive, Sir!”

My very good friend Maryam Elahi got married yesterday and I couldn’t be there, mostly because her wedding was in Mashhad and I was stuck here in Tehran.
I have known her for 6-7 years now (since 2002, if memory serves,) and we have been teammates, classmates and coworkers at one time or the other, and I’m sure she understands that while I really wanted to be there, I really couldn’t. She is one of my best friends, and I hope I have been (and continue to be) at least an OK friend for her.
Here is my most sincere and heartfelt congratulations and merry wishes, for you Maryam and your husband. May you have a great and interesting life together. It’s encouraging (and at the same time frightening) to see another of my friends taking the plunge. Just kidding! May you “live happily ever after.”

(BTW, I’m a bit curious. Is wishing someone a marriage full of surprises a good wish or an ill one?!)